Food Review - Haggis!

Time for a food review, just to keep things different. Today I will present my thoughts on Haggis. Lacking the ability to accurately describe taste sensations beyond good or bad, I will instead describe the experience via sensation. Strap in.


When? February 2018

Where? Canberra Multicultural Festival, Scottish Food Van

I was a bit disappointed just looking at it. For a food that's been billed to me as one of the weirdest non-musical inventions to come out of Scotland, it's basically just a clump of meat in a cheap hot dog bun. Still, meat and bread, can't go wrong right?

Wrong. Oh so wrong. On the first bite, the world goes grey. Despite the 35 degree heat, my chest goes cold. It feels like I'm on the precipice of the Shadowlands already, and I've barely begun. I probably should have stopped there, but the veil has weakened and what is either my Shadow or the disembodied manifestation of my own stupidity tells me to continue.

Another bite, and instead of the expected fall into Oblivion I see the past stretching out before me. The shadows coalesce into the faces of Scottish Monarchs all the way back to Robert the 2nd. And I see an equally unbroken line of British Monarchs, stamping on the necks of the Scots for all time. I see this and I know that this is good. This is as it should be.

A foolish third bite follows, and now I see the future. I see the end of the world, as the gates of Hel open and all manner of beasts spill forth. I see Jormungandr, his appetite terrible and insatiable, refuse to eat anything near Scotland for fear of consuming this dread dish. I see the hope in the eyes of the Scots that their land will be spared, but this hope is false. Surtr awaits, and not even their blasted food will survive his fire.

I don't make it to a fourth bite. I just bin the damned thing and spend the rest of the day refusing to eat. I think it was nearly 6 hours before I could work myself to eating anything to get rid of the taste, but my perception of time was a little out of whack at this point.

Conclusion: Can't say I'm a fan. 0 hungry Midgard Serpents out of 10.