Chappie

Another long one. Also a movie I'm not overly fond of funnily enough.

Street Fighter (The Good One)

Ah Street Fighter. One of the least faithful video game to movie adaptations out there, yet still I re-watch it every couple of months. Why? Well, if you couldn’t tell already I like bad movies. And this one is well and truly on the “so bad it’s fun” side of things. Raul Julia alone makes this movie worth it, never mind the random crap that pops up almost every ten minutes.

Wait, Gomez Adams is in this? Yes, yes he is my friends. And for those of you who haven’t seen this yet – why are we friends? Seriously though, Raul Julia is in Street Fighter, playing General Bison no less. You know, the psycho spirit-powered major bad guy who’s supposed to be a physical threat on par with someone like Akuma? Yeah, Raul Julia’s playing him. I did mention this wasn’t going to be a faithful adaptation did I? So, what else have we got? Chun Li, Balrog and Honda as reporters/film crew, Ken and Ryu as weapons smugglers (yes, you heard that right), Dhalsim as a scientist, Dee Jay as an intern…yeah this isn’t good. Guile and Cammy being military is about as good as we get, and the all-American hero is played by none other than Jean Claude Van Damme. That said, for Cammy we got Kylie Minogue with pigtails pretending to be tough so I’m almost willing to forgive a lot right there out of sheer bemusement.

Plot? What plot? Raul Julia ate the script along with all the scenery…ok fine. Bison has taken over a large chunk of the fictional nation of Shadaloo (not-Thailand), and the Allied Nations (not-UN) have sent an army to stop him. Led by the Muscles From Brussels with a really bad red hair colouring, the AN get off to a great start when a couple of dozen aid workers get kidnapped along with 3 of their soldiers. 2 of the soldiers get killed by Bison in personal combat (yes, we are going to try and make Gomez look tough in combat. Hold it together), while the third gets sent to the laboratory for science! The third being Carlos Blanca and of course he’s Guiles’ friend. Plot hook deployed.

Meanwhile, Ken and Ryu are selling weapons on the black market to Sagat, also an underground arms dealer. This script writer really had a thing for making even video game characters as bland and as far from their roots as possible. Anyway, shenanigans ensue, they fight (alongside Vega, played by some clod who wishes he was Antonio Banderas) and Guile rocks up to arrest them all. At some point Guile gets the bright idea to infiltrate Ken and Ryu into Sagat’s gang by having them all break out of prison, and fake killing Guile. In the process, Chun Li places a tracker on the escape vehicle and discovers Guiles’ deception.

If it seems like I’m summarizing at a breakneck pace, it’s because the plot is the least interesting thing about this movie by far. This movie has two things going for it – Raul Julia and an almost never-ending series of one liners so painful they’re awesome. Let’s cover Julia first - aside from the sheer brain-fart that made someone think Gomez would be a credible physical threat to anyone, let alone Van Damme in his prime, he was also extremely ill during filming. So ill he died afterwards in fact. Apparently he only did the movie because his kids wanted him to. Kind of sad, but to his credit he took the crap he had and ran with it right to the end. For example:

A most glorious speech

Listen to that and tell me you didn’t at least chuckle. And for the 40k nerds among you, are we sure at least a part of this guy didn’t end up in The Emperor? Julia spends the entire movie chewing scenery like this and it’s glorious. Even if you haven’t seen the movie you’re probably familiar with the “but for me, it was Tuesday” line. Every scene with Bison is basically a moment of joy, which still amazes me. Nobody should have come out of this film looking good.

As for everyone else, well, most of them got in at least one good moment. However, I’m going to take the absolute cream of the crop and show you all a moment where a named henchman surpassed even Bison’s madness. For context, Chun Li and crew have interrupted a meeting between Bison and Sagat, and kicked off a video message showing them launching a massive truck bomb. Behold the razor sharp wit of Zangief (and the foolery of basically everyone else):

Quick Thinking

Absolutely glorious. That moment should be in cinema history.

Anyway, more shenanigans ensue, the AN raid Bison’s temple headquarters, carnage follows, Dhalsim and Blanca stay to die because they don’t want to be pointless/green troll dolls, and we get the most mismatched fight I’ve ever seen in an action movie – Jean Claude Van Damme vs a very ill Raul Julia. Again, to Julia’s credit he tried to chew the scenery right to the end – the writers even gave him something to play with. Sure it was giving him the ability to fly and shoot lightning, but at this point we’ll take anything we get. To the surprise of no one, Van Damme eventually jump kicks Bison to death and everyone goes home.

As terrible as this movie is, I can still happily recommend it to anyone who likes bad movies. It’s absolutely hilarious, and presumably even funnier to fans of the game series. Faithfulness to the games is minimal at best, everyone involved wishes they could chew scenery like Raul Julia, and yet somehow it’s still a highly amusing 90 minutes. Absolutely amazing.

Some final thoughts – firstly thinking of Bison as part of The Emperor makes me want to redo the Horus Heresy casting with exclusively 80’s/early 90’s action stars in their prime, and secondly, Chun Li was played by Ming-Na Wen. Some of you may recognize her as the voice of Mulan, or more recently Melinda May on Agents of Shield. And at 50 she’s showing some pretty dangerous fighting talent. Kind of makes you wish she’d found some better roles/choreographers early on. She could have easily been up there with Michelle Yeoh in the 90’s.

Oh, and for those of you wondering where the Vikingdom review is – in progress. I have to watch it again to get some of the main points out, and it’s painful. Everyone involved has the enthusiasm of damp moss...

Upcoming Events.

Ok, Troy took longer than I would have liked and it's still kind of incoherent. Still, good to be writing again. Coming up in the immediate future will be an almost certainly stupid movie - Vikingdom. As if the name wasn't enough, it's about an undead viking trying to stop Thor from completing a ritual called the Blood Eclipse and taking over all the realms. I feel dumber just writing that.

After that, might take a request or two, or maybe do a video game review. Haven't decided yet. If it is a video game, it'll probably be The Last of Us.

Troy Review

Settle in folks, this is a long and incoherent one...

Merantau Review

Coming back into movie reviews now, I’ve decided to start off with a movie I actually quite like. Merantau is a 2009 Indonesian action film, marking the debut of Iko Uwais. Between this and The Raid movies, I’m hoping he has a solid career in film for years to come. Not that I’m giving away too much now, but watching this guy in action is like watching Tony Jaa back in his early days.

We kick off the film in a small village in that idyllic countryside that is “not the city”. Well, that’s unfair. It’s supposed to be a Minang village, although you really need to know your Indonesian culture to pick that up. For the record, I had to look it up. If you didn’t know this going in, it’d be the generic village in any fantasy film that gets stomped 10 minutes in to show the bad guy means business. Fortunately, we’re watching a martial arts film so it’s just that happy place the hero wants to leave. Interestingly our hero, Yuda, doesn’t want to leave because things are peaceful and therefore boring. He’s leaving because it’s a tradition of his people for young men without a clearly defined village role to undertake their merantau (title drop!), or journey to seek knowledge/enlightenment/fortune. Whatever they want really. Again, things I had to look up but it was interesting to learn that going nomadic for a few years is a tradition in this region. Built in quest excuse right there!

Hold up, we’re 10 minutes in and I’m learning stuff that isn’t related to the improper bending of limbs. Yuda is a Silat expert, and for his merantau he wants to move to Jakarta to establish a Silat school. We get couple of scenes with Yuda, his family and his master and they show just how relaxed everyone is about it. Yuda’s family are worried, but not greatly so. His older brother had some undefined bad experience on his merantau, but it’s not used to say “you shouldn’t do this”. Rather, it’s used to try and convince Yuda to be careful. The brief scene between Yuda and his master is a chance to show off some of the traditional silat forms, and it’s also quite relaxed. Just showing off some techniques, and that Yuda is generally a cheerful dude. No pent up aggression, no dark secrets. He’s just a young man who wants to teach people his martial art and see the big city.

Because we’ve taken about 15 minutes to get to Yuda’s arrival in Jakarta (including one scene on a bus with another man who undertook his merantau years ago, and is in no way foreshadowing later events), things go to pieces really fast. On day 1, Yuda finds out the apartment his family bought was torn down, that the school he thought was there doesn’t exist, and some street kid nicks his wallet just to cap off a great start. Fortunately, the kid leads to plot, and plot leads to trouble. Trouble here coming in the form of the kids’ older sister Astrid, and Johnny, the boss of her not-quite-a-strip club. Adit (the kid) thoughtfully led us straight to trouble, as Astrid is basically being beaten in an alley. Yuda intervenes because hero, demonstrating his skill without actually hurting anyone and Astrid swoons at this charming young hero!

Hahaha, kidding. She rips him a new one for costing her a job. Then storms off with Adit, leaving Yuda to ponder nightfall and being homeless. With no other options available, he takes shelter in some giant concrete pipes in a nearby construction site. It sucks, but it does leave him conveniently placed to hear the commotion when Astrid returns the next day to beg Johnny for her job back. Johnny’s not happy about randoms humiliating him while he’s trying to humiliate his girls, but he grudgingly allows Astrid a shot at another gig he has going on the side. At this point Yuda intervenes, and I broadly stop recounting the movie.

I’m doing this because from here, whilst the broad strokes of the movie are reasonably predictable, they’re quite well done and I’d actually encourage anyone interested in action films to watch this movie without me explaining the plot any further. What I will go on about for a bit is how it all comes together. Basically, in the scene above, the gangsters realise that Yuda isn’t actually aggressive, so in the rematch they kick the shit out of him. Once Yuda comes to understand that people outside of a dojo play for keeps, he starts doing the same. From here it’s really interesting because whilst the movie never bludgeons you over the head with it, you do notice that Yuda is only ever in danger during a mass fight if he gets cocky or gets cornered. The choreography goes to great lengths to show Yuda trying to keep mass engagements down to one or two people at a time at most while he rabbits round the scene trying not to get pinned down. It’s a trick Uwais and the director (Gareth Evans) will go on to make great use of in The Raid movies, albeit getting much crazier.

The underworld antagonists of the film are also interesting. Whilst the lead villain is a slightly over the top nut job, his operation and most of the things he does in the film are all very low key. I’m going to compare with a more recent film, Skin Trade. In that movie, we see quite a lot of how they work on screen – not just their dealings, but how they keep their captives in line, break their will etc. In Merantau, a lot of that is implied. You know exactly what’s about to happen during certain scenes, but then the focus will shift elsewhere. In my opinion at least it retains the impact of what’s happening to the victims without being voyeuristic about it. It keeps everything fairly understated without leaving any doubt as to what’s happened, which I think is a good way to go about it. If I want to have torture porn shoved in my face I’ll watch an Eli Roth film.

The way the characters act throughout is also quite interesting. Yuda never loses his own little charm, but after that second day he also completely stops holding back during a fight. When you learn more about Astrid and Adit, you understand why she was desperate to keep any job, whereas in a normal film of this genre she’d have jumped straight into the hero’s bed about 10 minutes after the yelling (I’m eyeing off a lot of Van Damme and Seagal films here…). And Yuda never actually tries to get her into bed (his lack of a bed throughout the film notwithstanding), he’s just trying to help Astrid and Adit. When it all comes together, the character development is nicely understated, and the film doesn’t feel the need to hang big neon signs over everything that happens. It just trusts the viewer to keep up and pay attention. It also helps that the actors are all decent at what they do, and don’t try to push beyond their particular talents. Well, except for the overacting villain but he’s taking on all of the crazy at once, so it kind of works.

The end package is quite a good little film. The Raid movies were certainly far crazier, and in a visceral sense more entertaining, but Merantau is I think one of the best films in the martial arts genre. As a complete package, it all comes together very well and I’d heartily recommend it to anyone who likes action films in general, not just martial arts films specifically.

Horus Heresy Casting Thoughts

A re-post of something I sent to a friend for Facebook discussion a while back. Figured I'd stick this somewhere semi-permanent. At this time I wrote this I was sticking to contemporary actors. Which unfortunately means that Sir Christopher Lee is out of the running for one of the roles I had for him. Still, re-posted in its' entirety for the fun of it:

Just so you know, my thoughts on the subject are based almost entirely off the Horus Heresy novels and gamebooks Forgeworld/Black library have been doing of late. The rest of it comes from ideas that amuse me/what I’d do to try and market this series. And has absolutely nothing to do with me going through my own movie collection looking for ideas.

That said, raiding TV shows for actors isn’t quite as low brow as it used to be, so looking through northern European stuff or HBO series might be fruitful for alternatives.

The Emperor – Christopher Lee/John Malkovich

So, aside from the usual generically imposing/unknowable hard man routine the Emperor has going on, he has a curious effect on observers that would largely be a matter for CGI (not that everyone involved isn't getting CGI'd - as much as Christian Bale loves to throw his weight around between roles, he can't make himself 9 ft tall). Namely, his psychic might is such that anyone looking at him has severe trouble telling or recalling what he actually looks like. Or so the story goes - Magnus and Malcador are both in the same league of power but their forms don't shift constantly. Even the Primarchs can't really tell what he looks like for real - the Emperor changes face almost with every breath. Still, when he cares to, he can stabilize his appearance briefly, for some particularly favoured sons/servants. So between that and needing to be imposing, fatherly, unknowable and wrathful all in one weird package, I’m down to 2 actors I think could pull it off really well.

Malcador - John Hurt

The Emperor's right hand man, and not actually a Space Marine. He's human, and almost as psychically powerful as the Emperor. He's also someone even the Primarchs respect (humans commanding that kind of respect are few and far between outside of their own Legions). Looks like the classic "old mediator" style of person. Never raises his voice, always sounds perfectly reasonable even when he's convincing you to commit genocide.

Lion El'Jonson - Lee Pace

Distant sociopath, doesn't understand how people work. Does his own thing for the most part but is otherwise utterly loyal to the Emperor. Produces odd effects when he feels that disobeying the Emperor's commands is the best way to do what needs to be done. Really, Thranduil and Ronan are almost warmups to playing this guy. I figured I'd get at least one elf locked into this cast.

Fulgrim - Zachary Levi/Orlando Bloom

A pretty boy who I think has it in him to be a decent villain. And he seems to enjoy the slightly more swashbuckler roles, so going full tilt into poseur warrior might suit him pretty well. Orlando Bloom could conceivably pull this off as well. Bonus points if he channels his Buckingham role.

Perturabo - Christian Bale

I know you wanted him for Horus, but hear me out. Perturabo is basically a simmering ball of volcanic anger and jealousy hiding below a thin surface of icy calm and great intellect. This guy, when he first met his Legion, performed an old school decimation. Why? Because they weren't considered the greatest Legion. Not because they'd failed in any great way, or been defeated shamefully on the field. But because they weren't better than the other Legions. Tell me you can't see Bale having a great time doing this. Plus, now you should be able to guess my choice for Rogal Dorn without looking...

Jaghatai Khan - Nicholas Tse/Takeshi Kaneshiro

Remember the pirate-warlord from Shaolin? That guy. Sure Ken Watanabe is basically your go to choice for every remotely Asian role in a western film, but I think Tse would be an interesting choice. Kaneshiro's in because I know he can handle action roles, and he's perfectly capable of carrying off the Khan's flightier side in the same breath as his "mournful wisdom" angles. Yeah, it's 40k so that's still overblown. Now that I think of it, Kaneshiro might actually be my no 1 pick for this role. Imagine his performance in House of Flying Daggers, only filtered through 40K insanity.

Leman Russ - Chris Hemsworth

An obvious choice, but Russ' public persona is basically Thor before his banishment. All you really need to do is show that in private, Russ is actually insanely smart in his own Barbarian King way. 15 years ago I would have said Vladimir Kulich, but unfortunately he's a bit long in the tooth to pull this off.

Rogal Dorn - Tom Hardy

What's that? You're reversing the Dark Knight Rises for laughs? Damn right I am! Seriously though, Hardy could easily carry off Dorn's icy nature with ease. Plus, we know he can bounce off Bale pretty well so having him roll around as Dorn would work pretty well. And if we're following the books roughly, he spends most of his time on Terra with the Emperor and Malcador, and I know Hardy could hold his own alongside Hurt and Malkovich.

Konrad Kurze - Ethan Hawke

I'll admit, I'm thinking of some odd choices here. Kurze has got the tortured insanity angle locked down in a big way. If he wasn't dead I would have said Heath Ledger for this one incidentally. Hawke I think has the range to pull this one off as basically Batman with the brakes taken off. Deliberately avoided putting Bale here for that reason.

Sanguinius - Nikolaj Coster-Waldeau

Think about the popular image of Jamie Lannister within Westeros - he's the great golden knight who can do no wrong, minor incident with King Aerys notwithstanding. Strip away all the Game of Thrones incest/evil from him, ramp up the nobility (especially compared to his brothers) and I reckon you'd have a pretty convincing Angel.

Ferrus Manus - Dwayne Johnson

Despite being quite smart, Ferrus was all intense all the time. Johnson could carry that off so very easily. Having someone like Johnson in this role helps keep speculation over the Warmaster role open if you’re going down that path, again for those who aren’t familiar with the Heresy. Plus, this is your "gotcha!" casting for anyone who doesn't know how Istvaan V went...

Angron – Manu Bennett

Been trying to think who could stay in a simmering state of anger all the time, still convey the “ruined angel” side of Angron and bring the intense physicality to the table. Going back to the wrestling community is an obvious choice, but Bennett did pretty well as Deathstroke in Arrow, especially when he was losing his mind. This cast list is seriously heavy company for him though. A better choice might be Karl Urban if Bennett couldn’t rise to the occasion.

Roboute Guilliman – Sullivan Stapleton

Themistokles from 300: Rise of an Empire. 300 is basically about as bombastic as 40K, and Guilliman has already got the faux Greco-Roman thing going on in his Legion. He has the same problem as Manu Bennett though – he's well out of his league in this list. Intriguing alternate – Mads Mikkelson.

Mortarion – Daniel Craig

Remember how unstoppable Bond seems when he gets moving, especially for the first time in Casino Royale? Slow that down, make him a tank, and throw in all the evil that chemical weapons feared even by his brothers can muster. Seems like it’d work.

Magnus the Red – Benedict Cumberbatch

Magnus always had a sneering “I’m better than all of you, I don’t need your guidance” thing going on. Which was, ultimately what led him to his doom. And Cumberbatch has the bluster required to play Magnus when he stops fooling around, so I think this would work pretty well.

Horus – Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt has gotten pretty damn good since he stepped away from his youthful pretty boy roles. More importantly, something I’ve noticed recently is that he has the ability to anchor any film he’s in, and bounce off any actor he needs to work with. Important for the Warmaster, since he’ll be sharing screen time with everyone at some point. Troy showed us he can bring the physicality, and Fury in particular shows off how easily he can bounce off his supporting cast and help their performances. I’m actually struggling to think of a better rounded actor for this part.

Lorgar – Kevin Spacey

Beginning as the most pious, hopeful and loyal of the Emperor’s sons, Lorgar becomes the first to fall to Chaos after the Emperor marks him and his Legion as failures for the crime of worshipping the Emperor as a God. Soon after he becomes the most bitter and hardened of zealots, no longer seeing war as something to be avoided. I think Spacey has the right kind of slimy, false happiness that Lorgar eventually falls into whilst at the same time being able to portray Lorgar when he was still honest.

Vulkan – Anthony Mackie/Colin Salmon

Probably the kindest of the Primarchs, Vulkan needs to be capable of great heroism but also be among the most approachable of his brothers. On a certain level he’s even easier to approach than Sanguinius – he genuinely loves and respects humanity, but doesn’t have the vengeful angel routine going on. I’d probably lean towards Colin Salmon purely on the basis of his voice – he just sounds like he could easily shift between warlord and teacher without missing a beat.

Corax – Luke Evans

Whilst Corax can be vocal enough with his trusted companions, outside of that group he rarely speaks, and then only to make short observations. Luke Evans would slot nicely into that role, with Bard and Dracula almost being casting calls for this role. Plus, as Orlando Bloom’s clone he’s now obligated to show up anywhere Bloom might potentially be cast.

Alpharius/Omegon – Gerard Butler & Paul Bettany

Appropriately enough, this pair are confusing as hell. Adding in that they’re identical twins, this is going to be damned hard work for the makeup/CGI teams no matter what. I picked these two based off Law Abiding Citizen and Legion. Law Abiding Citizen has Butler playing Xanatos Roulette, whilst Legion has Bettany being a hardarse angel. Combine the two performances and I think you’d have an interesting pair. That said, I really can’t think of an absolute lock for this pair. Very much open to ideas here.

Blog Intro

Blog Intro

It’s been a few years, but I’ve finally decided to get back into writing about, well, anything now. Not just dodgy movies but also good movies (hah!) books, games and any other topic that takes my fancy really. When I stopped updating the D Grade Bin I wanted to move into doing actual video reviews. That I think is unlikely to happen. As much as I like doing movie reviews, this is only ever going to be a hobby for me, and I just can’t spend that much time trying to film and edit a review. Not when I can return to the semi stream of consciousness ranting that I actually enjoy doing and can do quickly!

So how is this going to work? Well, as mentioned above now I’m really writing about anything that takes my fancy. In general though, content will probably appear as below:

1)      More bad movie rants. Exactly as they appeared over in the D Grade Bin. These were way too much fun to give up forever, and I don’t intend to take these seriously yet.

2)      Reviews of movies I consider good. Still doing the stream of consciousness stuff but likely to be less of a rant.

3)      Book reviews. Branching out now! Depending on my opinion, as above.

4)      Video Games. Mostly PC based. Same as above.

5)      Other. This could range from current affairs to history, to politics, or even writing on a topic by request. These are the ones that are going to get weird. Mostly because whilst they will be much less common than other posts, I’m going to try and put a lot more effort into them. So at least a book or two and some internet research, or more if the topic is something that’s really grabbed my interest.

These posts almost certainly aren’t going to be as amusing as my reviews, and are likely to cover reasonably serious topics. I’ll put up plenty of warning for those ones, mainly to cover off any content that might be upsetting to people. And to give you all plenty of warning to get your thinking caps on and seriously tear these posts apart (respectfully of course) – if you think my analysis is wrong, or worse, a point of information I used in order to reach a particular conclusion is wrong, I’d like to hear why. I like to hear this normally anyway, but for posts like these I consider such feedback to be vastly more important.

Enough of the serious stuff for now. In the next couple of days I’m going to put up a review of a move I consider to be of a higher quality than it had any right to be. The movie in question is Merantau, an Indonesian martial arts movie that started the career of Iko Uwais. A talented young man some of you may recognize primarily from The Raid and The Raid 2. It’s quite good and I’ll go over why in a few days.